Why keeping your cool with your children is so important

Do you lose your cool with your kids sometimes?

Because hey, full disclosure, I do. My kids can push me to a point where I lose my patience and yell.

Obviously, I’m never proud of it because I know I’m a better parent when I keep my cool. Yelling can be effective, no doubt, but it always leaves me feeling like I’ve failed. It’s the polar opposite of that wonderful feeling I get when I manage to resolve a situation through a calm, rational analysis of the problem, followed up by a few suggestions on how to solve it. My children settle quickly and start considering the potential solutions I’ve offered, and before you know it, the situation is completely under control.

Aren’t those moments just the best? You feel like you’re really killing the parenting game.

There’s a lot to be said for keeping calm around our children, and it goes well beyond making us feel like we’re good parents.

A 2014 study in Psychological Science, conducted jointly between researchers from the University of California, San Francisco, and New York University, separated mothers and their infants for a brief period of time, then exposed the mothers to some mild negative stressors. Upon being reunited with their babies, the infants embodied the same negative stress their mothers had experienced. It’s not known exactly how those emotions were transferred, but even without being exposed to the stressor itself, the infants sensed that their mother was stressed and emulated those emotions.

Another study from the University of California, Riverside, showed that parents who remained calm while helping their kids undertake a frustrating laboratory challenge helped their kids to stay calm and focused as well. While you may not consider these findings all that surprising, it demonstrates just how much parents and children influence each other’s behaviour.

So what does that mean in simple terms? It means that whether you’re stressed or calm, you’re probably passing those feelings onto your little one. Your emotions are, quite literally, contagious. And it also explains why I often find that more anxious or stressed a mother is, the more the baby tends to cry. It’s unmistakable that babies and children can deeply sense our emotions.

We all know that stress is a part of a parent’s life. There’s no avoiding it. Unless we’re blessed with some kind of superpower, we’re going to go off on our kids once in a while. I’m not suggesting you should beat yourself up in those moments, only that we should strive to minimize them. We should always be aspiring to emulate the behaviour to which we’d like to see in our little ones.

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re either in the midst of working on teaching your little one to sleep well, or you’re thinking about getting started. If that’s the case, it’s a good bet you’re already sleep-deprived yourself, and when we’re not getting enough sleep, we’re short-tempered, easily agitated, and more likely to raise our voices and give in to feelings of frustration. In short, we’re likely to be a little bit stressed out, and as we’ve seen, that stress permeates our kids, which stresses them out, which cranks up cortisol production, and there you have it. We’ve barely gotten started and we’re already throwing up obstacles.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but before you even start the process of teaching your baby to fall asleep independently, I recommend you get yourself into a headspace where you commit to yourself that, no matter how tough things get, you’re going to try your absolute hardest to stay calm. Practice some deep breathing exercises, meditate, walk around the block, do a little yoga, and anything else you can think of to put you into a calm, tolerant, accepting state of mind.

If you’re working with a partner, I suggest you do all of this together and discuss ahead of time who’s taking what shift so there’s no debating during the night. And remember, if things go as expected, most babies start showing huge improvement by around night three, so relief is just right around the corner, mama! So be patient, be calm, and it’ll all be behind you soon. And if I can help support you in anyway, you know where to find me!